Welcome, everyone, to “the Dan & Steve Show.” I positively brim with excitement at the prospect of our dream being made real, as it now is. This project, you see, has been in the making for eight years and it is a labor of love. Eight years and we have finally carried our baby to term. From its humble beginnings as a terrible screenplay, to its promising transformation into a comic strip which also failed, we chose the photocomic which stands before you today and still we move. Soon, you shall behold others who have been drawn to the wonders which the Dan & Steve Show promises to deliver.
Again, welcome, enjoy your stay. We will be updating Monday, Friday, and sometimes Wednesday.
Has it ever happened that you, as I have, acquired a hickey? A suspicious red mark upon your person and come under gratuitous suspicion at your place of work or institution of higher learning? “What’s the matter” they begin in what they imagine is a droll tone, “you get attacked by a vacuum cleaner?”
As though that were preferable to what is clearly the case: you let someone bite or suck upon your person and your turtleneck is in the wash.
Why would you find yourself the object of derision from these people who know better?
Unless they don’t.
Perhaps these folks are rather the types who cannot procure a delightful person to bite or suckle upon them without the proper currency. Perhaps, in light of this, they are the types to actually fake a hickey with the use of a vacuum cleaner such as Heather [left attacking Ian with late fiancee Bryan] for… for what, exactly?
From my experience, which falls roughly in the middle of extensive and absent, I can give some advice on how to handle this sort of issue. It has served me well as a student, a clerk, a camp counselor, and other occupations. When a person approaches you with nothing more cunning to say than “What happened to you? You get in a fight with a vacuum cleaner?” You must not smile. You must look them directly in the eyes and say mirthlessly, “No, sir or madam, I was having torrid sex this last night. Do you have a turtleneck I might borrow?” and this should alleviate the awkward situation. Even if you’re a camp counselor and one of your campers has asked the question. Trust me.
If, however, you are the type who fakes a vacuum cleaner attack in the hopes of getting asked, you have two options open to you: 1) kill yourself. Seriously. It’s for the best. You’re less than a degree from the Darwin Awards. Kill yourself. 2) Arrange for someone else to kill you. I can’t stress this enough, people. If you can kill yourself, wonderful, great, fabulous, but that’s not always an act someone is willing to perform, but if you ask a stranger on the street, “Excuse me, I faked some hickies with a vacuum cleaner, can you help me out?” you will find yourself in no shortage of people willing to light a fire for you to die in. It’s a good thing. Martha Stewart agrees and I’ve done my periphery research on this. If anyone asks “Hey, were you attacked by a vacuum cleaner?” between the time of your staged attack and time of death, simply repeat step 2.
Lastly, if you have actually been attacked by a vacuum cleaner, there are no support groups, but you have my deepest sympathies. Please keep in mind that even my deepest sympathies are fairly shallow pools, but you have them nonetheless. It’s not easy to fight a Hoover and I laud your survival.
I don’t know what the hell Ian is talking about, this really happened. It was only thanks to that gorilla style camera crew that attacked us on that fateful and disturbing day that we were able to remember this in comic form. On the up side of this I have decided to name other various household appliances as an experiment to see how Ian “interacts” with them.
Moving on…labor of love my arse! When we started this thing Ian said we’d be famous! You know I have not as of yet received even one marriage proposal or love letter? So far all I have is a bunch of duct tape and lighting equipment as well sun burn from being under 1000watt lighting!
A hickey is caused when suction on the skin’s surface is strong enough to break the capillaries that supply your skin with blood. The best way to treat a hickey is to take your average household comb and rub it back and forth against the hickey. This forces the blood to spread out, lessening the severity of the hickey.
Smurf bites, on the other hand, are significantly more dangerous. Smurfs are diminutive, ass licking creatures that spread venereal diseases and malaria. If you suspect you’ve received a smurf bite and are experiencing hepatitis, herpes, syphilis, gastroenteritis, cancer, vaginal bleeding, or anal leakage, talk to your doctor as these symptoms may be a sign of severe complications.
It is difficult to discern the differences between a hickey and a smurf bite. Here is a simple guide:
1. Q. Have you had someone suck on your neck recently?
A. It may be a hickey.
2. Q. Have you seen any smurfs around?
A. It may be a smurf bite.
3. Q. Do you have a hickey?
A. It may be a hickey.
4. Q. Does it burn when you pee?
A. It may be a smurf bite.
Despite what this comic strip would suggest, there’s just no such thing as vacuum monsters.
At this time we do not condone the sexual manipulation of a vacuum cleaner, or any household cleaning devices. Despite any and all allegations of forced activity, we do have a deposition from the toaster where it is stated that said vacuum was in fact “asking for it.”